I Still Feel Her
by myfavouriteexplosion
Summary: "How far back can you remember? Did the ice stop your heart? Oh wait, that was me, oh wait, that was me. I froze to death, my last words choking your breath." - I Still Feel Her  Part III
1. Chapter 1

"_Her touch still moves my hair, the smell is so faint but it must be the one. Her touch still moves my hair, my bones ache from the cold, no one could predict that I would ever get this far..."_

The city dances with the colours of another Toronto night. The concrete jungle of the epicentre of Canada, such an ugly sight in the sunlight becomes radiant when the sun sets and the lights come up. A city that never sleeps, a city that chills me to the bone, the city I ran from. Or, at least, the city that holds the key to what I ran from all those years ago. A city that draws me back every so often to relive the painful memories of when I was a simple twenty year old, five years ago. This city holds my secrets, its the closet I hide my skeletons in, and its the city I flew too on a whim, a desperate whim caused by the tremor in my chest at the thought of everything that happened.

The green numbers on the alarm clock next to the bed read 4:12AM, a sight I see all too often. Its been years since I've gotten a decent nights sleep, years since I haven't seen the sunset and rise without closing my eyes in between.

Most would call it insomnia, I call it a nightmare.

Its the picture that fills my mind every time I close my eyes, its the blackness that consumes me when I lay in bed and drift to sleep. Its the reason that, no matter what I try, every time I come close to that sweet serenity of sleep, I'm jolted awake by the pain cutting through my chest and the tightness that fills my lungs in a desperate attempt to gain access to the oxygen stuck in my throat.

Its _her._

My hands make their way up to my black, shaggy, unkept hair, fingers entangled in the mess of it, palms covering my eyes, pushing into my face to ease up on the pounding headache that has made its way into my sinus'.

Coffee, that's what I need, coffee.

A deep breath comes into my chest and I exhale through my nose as I push myself up from the hotel chair and shrug my arms into my black jacket. I hadn't bothered to undress from a day of travelling, so I was still clad in a pair of dark skinny jeans, white v-neck and white shoes. My fingers tug at the silver zipper of my hoodie, leaving it zipped half-way up my torso before I pocket the hotel key card and my wallet into my back pocket and slip out the door, letting it close behind me.

The hotel clerk gives me a sympathetic look as I cross the lobby, as if she thinks I'd just gotten up and was already on my way to some important meeting, or something. I dropped my eyes as I felt hers on me, pushing through the lobby doors into the cold November morning, shoving my hands into my hoodie pockets. Luckily for me, every corner in Toronto is littered with Starbucks, and most of them are open twenty-four hours. It took me all of five minutes to slip into one and pay for my triple tall extra hot vanilla latte, another two minutes later and the steaming hot liquid was sliding down my throat, burning the tip of my tongue.

The bell chimes above me as I push my way back out into the empty Toronto streets, hand wrapped around the hot, paper cup. I really had no idea where I was going, in was quarter to five in the morning and Toronto was just now beginning to wake-up, like an over-eager freshman on their first day of high school. Only the scattered person was on the streets, cars were few and far between, yet here I was, my old home, my old city, my nightmare. Here I was, walking aimlessly through every memory this place brought.

"_Elijah Goldsworthy, I swear to God, if you don't give that back to me right now," she stood, hands on hips as she glared across the room at me, "you'll be so sorry."_

_I almost laughed, she was adorable when she was angry, "but you're so cute!"_

_She sighed, shaking her head, "Eli, seriously, this is embarassing."_

_I glanced down at the picture in my hand, a picture of her when she was only three years old, obviously excited about potty training, "I think its cute."_

_She rolled her beautiful blue eyes at me and stepped towards me, trying to snatch the picture out of my hands. I whipped it away from her grasp and tucked it into my back pocket, "not a chance, Edwards."_

"_ELI," she sounded exasperated as she lunged at me._

_I caught her against my chest, my hands gripping her wrists as she attempted her attack, "just let me keep it!" She pushed harder against my chest, sending me toppling back onto her bed, her frame coming hard down against me. The struggle stopped momentarily, just our breathing keeping the room from going silent._

_Then she started laughing. That laugh that intoxicated me._

"_I'm so going to kill you Eli."_

My chest tightened at the memory, air caught in my chest on its way down into my lungs. I groaned outwardly, frustrated. I hated the way I'd become, I hated what loving Clare Edwards had done to me, I hated that I'd hurt her, but most of all, I hated that she didn't love me anymore.

Because God knew, hell, the devil was probably informed as well - I was still hopelessly in love with Clare Edwards. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about that fact. It killed me, every single day of my life, it killed me to love her, but I couldn't stop. Because despite the slow and painful death it was putting me through, the other options were worse. I couldn't let her go, she was still the only reason I had for breathing, still the only reason I had for living. And no matter what, I couldn't let that go.

The November air bit at my face, my nose running with the start of a cold. Every single damn time I'd ended up in Toronto since I'd left for Vancouver five years ago, I'd done the same thing. Sat, torturing myself with memories in my hotel room, wandered the streets aimlessly, then without allowing anyone I'd known here know that I was here, I'd gotten back on a plane and flown back to my life in Vancouver.

I doubted this time would be any different.

It didn't matter that every time I planned on calling Adam, I planned on catching up and seeing where he'd ended up in life. It didn't matter that every time, I planned on finding Clare and apologizing. It didn't matter, because every time was the same routine, and every time I backed down from the things I intended on doing and just went back to pretending none of this existed in Vancouver.

My feet scuffled against the sidewalk as I rounded into the morning bustle of Queen St. I'd long ago finished my coffee, and once again that headache from hell decided to take a trip to my sinus'. I inhaled deep into my lungs, pulling at the door handle of yet another Starbucks. I didn't even bother to glance around the busy cafe as I joined the line behind a brunet boy, hair covered by a familiar black beanie.

The line moved quickly and I purchased another drink, this time straight espresso, three shots. The barista smiled at me, reciting her all too perky 'have a good day sir' as I turned towards the bar, eyes on the ground. I closed them, pressed my fingers against my nose, the headache worsening. Everything around me ceased to exist as I did so, willing the headache away without much success. I might as well have been catatonic.

"E-Eli...?" The voice jolted me back to reality. I dropped my hand from my face and blinked, looking up towards the voice. My drink was called on the bar, my hand reached for the bitter liquid and my former best friend stared at me as if he'd just seen a ghost. I slammed back my espresso in two quick gulps and let the cup fall from my hand into the garbage can.

I couldn't handle this.

Again my chest tightened and my lungs gasped for the air that was stuck in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak, but snapped it shut just as quickly.

"No fucking way," the boy muttered, still staring at me like he'd seen a ghost.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Do the words still haunt you? Can you secure its claim? Bottled up like smoke, floating over flames..."_

We walked in silence back down Queen St. I couldn't think straight enough to form a decent sentence, and Adam seemed a little too taken aback at the fact that I was here, alive and breathing, in the flesh, in Toronto. I led him through the concrete jungle, navigating through the streets I'd wandered aimlessly this very morning, back towards the hotel I was staying at. I figured that was the best place to take him, if he wanted an explanation.

At least behind the closed, locked hotel room door, I could come undone about the past five years. And there was no chance of me running into anyone else I'd known once upon a time.

The elevator brought us to the fifth floor, Adam still choking on his thoughts as I, again, led the way down the hallway towards my room. It was almost robotic the way my hand slid the key into its place, the red light blinked to green and the door unlocked.

I didn't even bother holding the door open for him.

Collapsing into the black leather hotel chair and I just kind of stared blankly ahead of me, where was I even supposed to start? What the hell was I supposed to tell him?

Silence hung in the air for another ten minutes, I couldn't find the words that would start unravelling the past five years. I couldn't find the words to even start a conversation with the guy who'd been my best friend.

The only best friend I'd ever had.

"Where've you been Eli?" Adam's voice was quiet when he finally broke the silence, dripping with confusion and a tinge of hurt. When I'd left, I hadn't just left Clare, I'd left Adam, my best fucking friend.

"Vancouver," I muttered, unable to bring my eyes up to meet his. I was too afraid of what I'd find if I did, the confusion and pain that would be in them. He was tough, Adam always had been, but I knew before he'd even started talking that he was filled with confusion and pain from what I had done.

"Vancouver?" His voice was on edge, "why?"

I shrugged into the chair, that same headache beating against my eyes, "I don't know. I..." I sighed heavily, finally bringing my eyes up to Adam who was still standing near the door, "I didn't know anyone in Vancouver, there was nothing, and nobody, for me to hurt there."

Adam's eyes flashed, "your leaving hurt enough people, Eli."

I dropped my eyes again, "I know Adam, okay? I know."

"I...I don't get it, Eli," he spat the words in pure confusion, "how could you do that to me? How could you do that to Clare? Fuck, Clare...you don't even know what you did to her when you left."

Her name spoken out loud gave me chills, my heart hammered against my chest as her name rolled off his tongue. I looked up at him again, "I left for her, Adam. She already looked at me as if I were sub-human, I fucked things up with Clare long before I left. Why would me finally doing her a favour hurt her?"

"Because she loved you," Adam said straight, words chilled.

"Well, you don't think I loved her?" I could feel myself getting worked up, my cheeks were growing hot, my heart beating, "You don't think I still love her? Every fucking day of my life I have to deal with what I did. Every day I have to relive her expression, her tears, the way she looked at me. She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't stay here, knowing she was so close...and wanted nothing to do with me." I was practically screaming at Adam by the end of my mini rant, unwelcomed, hot tears splashing down my face, "I've lived every single day since I moved to Vancouver wishing I could take it all back."

"_Elijah Goldsworthy, as I live and breathe," the familiar voice sunk into the back of my brain and melted away the walls I'd built up._

"_No fucking way," a smirk pulled at the corners of my lips, "Callum Dentry."_

"_Its been far too long, 'Li," Callum crossed the room, closing the space between us, my past crashing into my present at an alarming rate, "how've you been?"_

"_I'm...I'm doing good Cal," I said, smirk still playing at my lips._

"_Really Eli? 'Cause the last time I saw you..." Callum shrugged his shoulders, shooting me one of those knowing looks, "well, it would be an understatement to say you were a wreck."_

"_Really Cal...things are good here," I shrugged back at him, "I'm finally living again."_

"_Well, good..." Cal grinned, "'cause I wasn't too amped on seeing my cousin still a wreck four years after the whole...well, you know." Yeah, I knew. Cal was the one who'd seen me dissolve after Julia had been killed. I'd hit rock bottom, hard, and Callum was the one who hit it with me. The one who'd made sure I wasn't completely alone, despite my constant requests to be._

_He was also the one who ruined my life. _

_Not that I saw it like that at the time, at the time, he was my hero. He was the one who came through and brought bliss into my life when I'd given up hope on ever being happy again. At the time, those little lines of cocaine were more than just a drug, they were the reason I was still alive._

But, I wasn't really alive. I just didn't get that, not until I'd met Clare, not until I met the one person who actually brought me back to life.

I should have known that letting Cal back into my life would have ended it all over again. He was really good at that. He was so skilled at ruining my life.

Adam sighed, the confusion still heavily set in even his breath, "you shouldn't have run away."

I sneered at the words, eyes flashing as I looked up at him, "haven't you heard? I'm king of running away. Its what I do, Adam, its how I deal."

Adam shook his head at me, fingers digging into the bedspread over the bed that he was now sitting on, "like hell, Eli. Did it deal with anything? 'Cause it seems to me, you're still pretty stuck in what happened."

He was right. Running away hadn't dealt with anything, really, it had only made things worse.


	3. Chapter 3

"_Now see, it all falls away, we all become the same, this stormy night. Well, a fall from grace, is, my fate."_

Adam's words beat senselessly inside my head, paired up with the headache that had taken up residence in my sinus'. He was right, I hadn't dealt with anything by running across the country to Vancouver, I knew that.

I'd always known that.

I also knew that staying in Toronto would have made everything harder. The way Clare had looked at me that day, I couldn't stay near her knowing that I was the reason for that pain, for her anger, for the tears that fell relentlessly.

So I did what I was best at, I ran.

The same way I'd run to drugs when Julia had died, the same way I'd run to Degrassi when the drugs became too much, and the same way I was running again.

The hour I'd spent with Adam had been enough to get me running, the very reason I was now sitting thousands of feet in the air, inside a metal tube, my iPod turned up as lyrics pushed their way into my head through my sound-cancelling headphones. Less that twenty-four hours since I'd landed in Toronto, here I was flying back across the country to a life I'd been sleepwalking through the past five years.

Back to my monotonous job, my sleepless nights and my meaningless relationships.

Nothing mattered to me in Vancouver, and yet I couldn't keep myself from running back to it, away from the pace that mattered most.

I fiddled with the edge of the ripped paper that held the ink of Adam's phone number. He still didn't understand why I'd left, he didn't get why I couldn't just man up and apologize to Clare, he didn't get why I had to keep ruining my life in order to escape what had happened, but underneath all the confusion and pain, he was still my best friend, and he'd made sure I knew that no matter what, I could call him and he'd help me figure it out.

A long sigh escaped my lips as I walked the familar path through the domestic wing of the Vancouver International Airport, stopping only briefly to sling my bag over my shoulder and continue out through the doors into the crisp autumn day.

I'd spent a total of thirteen hours in Toronto, and two of those had been at the airport. What the hell was wrong with me?

The day was painted with grey, an oddly similar feeling to what was going on inside my chest. Rain spewed from the grey clouds mercilessly, drenching what was left of the autumn leafs, casting the smell of wet concret and pavement into the air. One of my favourites.

There was something about the way it smelt when it rained, like it was a fresh start for the city. A fresh start that I was desperate for. A fresh start I couldn't quite grasp onto. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many trips I took to Toronto, no matter how many times I imagined it, I was stuck. Stuck in a constant state of disarray, a constant memory of the days that had mattered to me, a constant place of being forced to acknowledge the fact that I couldn't make it better.

I managed to hail a cab pretty easily, sliding into the backseat and rambling off my address. The only sound was the rain hitting the tin jacket of the car as we drove through the streets of Richmond and back into the heart of Vancouver. I mechnically handed the man my money as he pulled up in front of my apartment, muttering something along the lines of thank-you before hurrying through the doors into the dry, yet cold and dingy interior of the building. Deciding against my usual route of the stairs, I allowed myself to wait for the elevator to bring me up the eleven stories to my floor.

An unsettling exhaustion had settled between my eyes by now, coaxing me into a mindset of walking dead. As if all the emotion that had been battling through my chest the past the past twenty-four hours were shutting down, a numb pain taking its place. I couldn't think anymore, couldn't feel anymore, I couldn't do anything anymore.

I barely noticed myself walking into the elevator, or off it on the eleventh floor. I barely remember unlocking my door or dropping my bag and collapsing into countless hours of mind-numbing television watching.

Anything to push the thoughts of Adam, and Clare out of my mind space.

**Author's Note: **_I'm terribly sorry for the long-ass wait on this chapter. My life has been consumed by the film industry vortex between school and work. I'm having a hard time finding time to sleep, let alone write. But, alas, here's the chapter. Its somewhat short and kind of sucks, and I'm sorry for that – I promise the next will be better. I love you._


	4. Chapter 4

"_How far back can you remember? Did the ice stop your heart...?"_

_Adam's POV_

My eyes dropped from her icy glare, thumbs playing nervously with the hem of my plaid shirt. Days had passed since my encounter with Eli, and every hour that passed had proven harder to keep the news from Clare.

She knew me better than anyone, maybe better than myself.

"Adam Colton Torres," her use of my middle name made me cringe, the tone of voice filled with an impatient edge.

"Uh, y-yeah Clare?" I didn't even bring my eyes up to hers, knowing she was glaring daggers into the top of my head.

"You've been distant, quiet and completely weird for the past few days," she commented, "more weird than usual. What aren't you telling me...?"

I swallowed hard against my dry throat, "N-nothing, you know I can't hide things from you Clare." I brought my eyes up to her, focusing on her forehead rather than her eyes.

"Which is exactly why I know you're trying," she pointed out, raising her eyebrow, hands on her hips.

"I'm not hiding anything," I said, words coming out in a jumbled mess together.

"Promise?" she cocked her head, fully aware that I wouldn't falsley promise her something.

Silence settled between us, the thick tension hanging in the air as I dropped my eyes again. Each second that passed tormented my tongue, I knew I couldn't keep myself from telling her about seeing Eli for that much longer. Not like this.

"Adam...please..." her voice was desperate now, sending a pain through my chest.

I released a long sigh through my nose, licking at my drying lips as I brought my eyes back to hers, "I saw Eli..." My mouth was dry, words heavy and quiet as they spilled from my lips.

Her bright blue eyes seemingly sprung to life with tears, threatening to plunge from her eyes and down her cheeks. She attempted to blink them back, without much avail, lip trembling as she opened, and then closed her mouth.

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, adverting my eyes from my close-to-tears best friend. The awkward silence that settled between us was unbearable, but I simply didn't have any words to make the situation lighter, or better for that matter.

"When...?" her voice came out in a soft squeak, as if the tears gathering in her eyes had also chosen to invade her throat, causing a lump, and difficulty to speak, "...Where?"

Again, I shifted uncomfortably, "This morning, at Starbucks."

"He's still in Toronto?" her voice held a slight tone of disbelief, like she thought that maybe, just maybe, she were dreaming.

"He is at the moment," another shift in my chair, "but no, he's living in Vancouver."

"Van-Vancouver?" more disbelief, another soft squeak.

"He's a mess."

At this point, I raised my head and locked eyes with her bright blue ones. In the mere seconds it took for those three words to leave my lips, her eyes flashed, her stance changed, something went off inside her brain.

"He's a mess?" The soft squeak had shifted, now a sharp squeal, an air of anger and that reigning disbelief still hiding in her voice, "I'm a mess Adam, he doesn't get a right to be a mess." She clenched her fists together, began pacing the floor of my living room, "First of all, lets not forget exactly what happened, _Adam_, but I could have gotten over that, eventually, eventually, I would have dealt with it. But he left. He fucking left Adam, why does he get to be a mess? I'm a mess, he made me a mess." She'd sworn, that one word that had left her mouth hit me harder than the rest. Clare Edwards didn't cuss.

I exhaled the breath that I had been holding in my lungs, cocking my head to the side as my eyes pleaded with the fuming girl now across the room. "Clare, I'm on your side. I'm just saying, he's not exactly over you either."

"I"m over him Adam," her words came rushed and harsh, the same tone she always used when she was lying.

"You can't hide anything from me either, Edwards. You may have the rest of the world fooled, but you and I both know the truth, you'll never be over Eli Goldsworthy."

Her eyes stayed locked with mine as silence filled the space between us once more. For a long moment, neither of us moved, neither of us said anything or allowed even a breath to break the silence. I was the one who'd been there when everything had happened, I was the one Clare had run too, I knew the pain she felt and the tears she had cried and the nights she'd spent debating, even the most drastic measure of taking her own life. And I knew Clare Edwards, possibly better than she knew herself. We could sit there and lie to ourselves all we wanted, but we knew the truth - Eli Goldsworthy was still very much apart of our lives.


End file.
